Who was troughing Michelin Starred Delicacies at Misano 1 and who was shuttling between the lavatory and the bidet? Let’s dive head-first into the bathroom bowl to see who drew a Royal Flush and who needed to flush mid-squat to cease the bowl flowing over. We price our Winners and Squitters by the dish that left them both climbing the rostrum or gulping the Imodium.
Gourmets
Who was feasting on delicacies at any person else’s expense this weekend?
Marc Marquez
The Spanish Antichrist is on a (rest room) roll. Not solely was this the Quantity Two characteristic race win for him in as many weeks, however the Catalan managed to drop his kecks and squeeze this win out virtually actually in Valentino Rossi’s again yard. (You already know you’re close to Tavullia when the clock faces have all had the numbers 9 and three chiselled off them, and the locals cease at 9.15 and a couple of.45 every day to repeatedly cross themselves and say 46 Hail Marys). And simply to rub the Yellow noses in his droppings, Marc soundly beat Vale’s prosecco-pounding protégé Pecco within the characteristic race.
Ranking: Lobster Ravioli 🍴🍴🍴🍴🍴
Frankie Carchedi
There won’t be any Brits really driving in MotoGP (and even testing MotoGP bikes now that Crutchlow is right down to just one totally practical limb), however no less than there’s one massively proficient Brit kicking ass within the premier class. Marc Marquez’s crew chief has beforehand engineered also-ran Joan Mir to a World Championship victory with Suzuki, then turned Fabio Digibox from a no person on the quick observe to MotoE right into a MotoGP race-winner, and now he’s helped #93 go from snapped-armed has-been to a number of Ducati race winner. It’s as if Frankie is MotoGP’s reply to The Equalizer, searching for out these in want and fixing all their issues. (Clearly the outdated Edward Woodward Equalizer quite than the Denzel one. Frankie Carchedi is fairly cool, however let’s not go loopy right here).
Ranking: White Truffle Taglioni 🍴🍴🍴🍴🍴
Pecco Bananas
You wouldn’t comprehend it from the “well-slapped bum” expression on his face, however this was a extremely profitable weekend for the drunken, SUV-crashing Italian. In contrast to his boozy antics on Ibiza, Pecco remained upright and out of the ditch. He didn’t win, however he slashed the factors hole between himself and the championship chief.
Ranking: Final night time’s kebab reheated within the air fryer. 🍴🍴🍴
Bidets
Who spent the weekend with their butt cheeks clamped firmly onto the porcelain throne, in between “clear the air” visits to the bidet?
Joan Mir
The [checks Wikipedia] former MotoGP champion made the peerlessly smart resolution to spend the weekend sputtering fragments of his digestive tract out of his rear orifice at transonic speeds quite than driving the Honda RC213V, and who can blame him? Sufferers in lunatic asylums are identified for hiding capsules of their cheeks to trick their medical doctors, however Joan Mir is the primary particular person ever to do that with Imodium. A daring alternative, however no person of their proper thoughts would do any completely different. (Hearsay has it that Mir now requires a lung transplant after blasting one of many air-filled organs out of his bottom and across the U-bend throughout certainly one of his extra violent eruptions.)
Ranking: Low cost Sushi, decreased to clear 🧻🧻🧻🧻🧻
Jorge Martin
It’s been apparent for a very long time that the Spaniard’s mind is a fairly “relaxed match” in his skull, however Jorge’s resolution to alter bikes was so monumentally silly that even Jack Miller was shocked. (For a second it appeared like an impressed alternative as there was a rumble that gave the impression of thunder as he pulled into pit lane, however that simply turned out to be “basso-profundo” journalist Neil Morrison within the press field booming “What the f***ing hell is he doing???”)
Ranking: Week outdated, room temperature shellfish in mayonnaise sauce 🧻🧻🧻🧻
Frankie Morbidelli
Even when issues are going effectively for the Brazilian-Italian, he at all times manages to discover a technique to balls issues up. He topped off what seemed like an especially spectacular return to kind by ludicrously crashing out of a possible podium place. On the plus facet, this gave him honorary membership of the Lowes Twins.
Ranking: Sizzling Canine from an unlicensed avenue vendor 🧻🧻🧻
Dorna
As an alternative of fixing the issues that MotoGP at the moment has (atrocious entrance tyres, cretinous aero-squat guidelines package deal and garbage racing) the governing physique determined to repair one thing that ain’t even remotely damaged by making an attempt to drive “sh*te to shore radio” on the championship. Actually no person desires this. The followers don’t need it, the groups don’t need it, and the riders positively don’t need to be elbow to elbow with Marc Marquez in a 150mph kink when a loud voice of their earholes out of the blue yells “Yellow Flags in Sector 4!”
Critically, Dorna, wrap this concept round a big cactus and use it to vigorously plug up the exit of your digestive tract.
Ranking: Pizza from the touristy a part of an Italian city. 💩💩💩💩💩
